Goddess Victory Squat
May 25, 2004
Listened to the show Saturday and it was not bad. It was a repeat and I have to say my favorite part, the second time around, was still the Celtic music. It played as I attempted the "goddess victory squat" pose, which supposedly opens the hips and chest while strengthening and toning the lower body. I received a book on beginning yoga on Mother's Day from the insurance man, and I found it earlier in the week on the top shelf of the pantry while looking for the Spam which I keep buying but can never find. I think Mr. Sundberg eats it when I go to Bible study or Girls' Night at the Dew Drop Inn. He slices it really thin and fries it so it looks like steamrollered bacon, then slides it between his pancakes or covers it with eggs. He made it for me once after I hurt my wrist at the golf lesson I won in a raffle sponsored by the fire department. I must have hit a hundred or more balls that afternoon and I didn't have to pick up a one.
So there I was with the stereo cranked to nine, wearing a pair of shorts that used to be jeans but I got tar all over them when we were working on the kids' volcano project for the science fair so I got out my industrial strength scissors and hacked them off mid-thigh. The T-shirt I wear only around the house. I don't know where it came from, but it reads Jungle Love in cursive black letters and I don't dare let the neighbors see. Who knows what they might think. After I got the hang of the goddess victory squat, I tried the "pointed star" which is pretty simple and is said to realign one's spinal column and improve circulation and respiration. I didn't feel much happening, though, until I'd been in the lotus position for the duration of Guy Noir.
At some point, I could no longer feel my legs and grabbed the book marked with a purple PostIt where I left off. It said something about seven chakras and how they each represent a specific energy and are located along the spine. Energy, schmenergy, I thought. I couldn't feel my legs. I lifted the top leg out of the knot I'd created of my own accord, and breathed like it says to breathe in Chapter One. Thank God the show was a repeat, because I must have passed out. After a while there was more Celtic music and a door slammed and there was Mr. Sundberg looking down at me. Take her in your arms and tell her that you love her; if you're going to love a woman then be sure you do it right. I tried to get up but couldn't and lay there flailing like some kind of confused jungle bug. Don't even ask, I told him. He held up a strawberry rhubarb pie. "Look. A pie. It's your favorite. I'll go cut a piece for you." No, I told him. No. A fork will do just fine.