Mr. Keillor,
I was going to enter your Talent Contest for People in their Twenties only to find that what I regard as my talent - the writing of prose - does not qualify. Being a former struggling writer yourself, I am sure there is no one who can better appreciate the struggle of the writer in their twenties: the stream of rejections, the doubt (should I give up? Should I have given up three, four, nine years ago?) and the anguish of watching your best efforts disappear into the void of silence, unread... Remember how it was: before the book deals, before you saw your name in The New Yorker's index? How about expanding the definition of 'talent' to include prose?

Scott B.
Chagrin Falls, OH

If we expand the contest to include prose, then we'll have to plan on an eight-hour show, which is longer than what I care to do. A prose talent contest is sort of like a dance marathon or a six-day bicycle race: it takes a man with more stamina than I possess. But good luck to you. And don't sweat the rejections. I still get rejected all the time. Shake it off and get a good night's sleep and try again in the morning.

Dear Mr. Keillor,
I want to thank you for an article you posted on salon.com 6 or 7 years ago on how to deliver a eulogy. I wrote a note on it at the time, and when my Dad died this June, I had a chance to use it. He was a Depression-era guy from Pittsburgh, and he taught me that you get up every morning, go to work, and put food on the table. When a problem comes up, you sit down and immediately start to work on it. You bring down the deer with one shot. And when I was entering the Marines, he told me that if a bad order ever came down from above, that I should do whatever I needed to keep my men out of harm's way. He was a great man. Extremely smart, competent in a way that was never fully tested by the world, and lived a life of complete integrity. We were so happy that he hit a sweet spot at the end of his career and in his retirement. He loved his house in Arizona. And he loved being there with my mother. And he loved his ten grandchildren. He was a great father, and we loved him very much. He will be sorely missed.

Joseph M.
Gainesville, FL

You were a good son, Joseph, and I'm sure your eulogy was a great gift to your family and something they'll always remember. I was not such a good son, and when my dad died, in 2000, I could no more have given a eulogy than I could've jumped off a barn roof and flown across the yard. I sat, inert, brooding over my own thoughts, feeling guilty and miserable, wanting nothing more than to run out the door. So there's a little insight into the matter of good advice. Sometimes the people who give it are incapable of following it. Ponder that, my friend.

Hello Garrison,
I have been listening to your program for a long time now, and have often wondered why no credit(s) has been given to the young man who sings the Ketchup commerical theme song? From my point of view he has quite a voice! Why not allow him to sing a song, of his own choosing?

Paul R.

That's Richard Dworsky, of course, noodling under the conversation between Jim and Barb and then singing the "These are the good times" aria, and you're right, he does have quite a voice. That was him doing the spoken lines in Nellie McKay's "Mother of Pearl"(Listen) on Saturday. He's good for an extra harmony part anytime and he's the Prairie Home cantor who does the Hanukkah and Rosh Hoshanah songs, but we will prod him into singing something of his own.

We received several comments from listeners regarding Nellie McKay's song "Mother of Pearl," (Listen) from her new CD, Obligatory Villagers. Here's a sampling of what our listeners had to say. Add your own comments here.

Post to the Host:
Last night we listened to your show which we enjoyed except for one song. Who approved the feminist song to be played on public radio? It was in very poor taste.

Sally M.
Fresno, CA


I've never turned off your show in disgust before but the young woman's satirical (I hope) song about prostitution and child molestation was not what I wanted to listen to or expose my young son to. He sang and hummed along with the basket song that she sang- I didn't want him picking up any of the song that followed. I was surprised at her first song- I don't expect Ani Difranco style anger when I turn on family radio programming but it was the one about rape that I truly couldn't listen to.

Megan B.


Dear Mr. Keillor,
It was so delightful that you invited Nellie McKay to perform her music on your fantastic show. Her humor, social commentary, and fantastic music combined to be a true show-stopper... Don't let any whiners amongst the audience keep you from presenting such wonderful lively new talents!

Thanks so much,
Don B.
Chicago, IL


Gary:
I desperately need the chords and lyrics to the Feminists Don't Have A Sense of Humor song. Because I need to annoy my fellow University town residents.

All best,
David H.
Chapel Hill, NC

Post to the Host:
I am a faithful listener and great fan of your show however I was horrifed by the reference to child molestation and rape as a humorous event...Pearls song was right on in everyway except for that reference. How incredibly insensitive to the children who are helpless victims of sexual molestation and rape. If it were your daughter or son who was molested or your wife who was raped you would perhaps agree there is nothing funny about it. I believe you owe your listeners an apology. Turned off your show after the song.....still in disbelief that a person with your intelligence and understanding of the human condition would allow this to be broadcast.

Kay K
La Canada, CA

Post to the Host:
I've listened to your show for over 20 years, most weekends on both Saturday and Sunday - I love it! Tonight I went for the first time and it was great. Except the lines in the song about child molestation and rape (about feminists) were absolutely appalling. Would you have liked the song if your daughter had ever been raped or if you had been molested by clergy? The song would have been just as good without those two things - that made it disgusting.
Other than that, it was awesome!

Jeanette Z.
St. Paul, MN


Hi Garrison,
I loved your guest, Nelly MacKay, and am interested in her new CD. Can you help me with her name and that of her new CD.

I love your show and saw your movie which I also loved; your friend M. Streep is really something.

Best regards,
Haley H.
Lake Orion, MI

I was listening to WAMU (Washington DC) last night 1/26 at about 7pm and heard a song about "feminists aren't funny." I would like to know who the singer was and if/where I can download this song. Thank you for your help!

Sincerely,
Michelle B.


Post to the Host:
We heard your show last night (1/26/2008) and thought the songs and entertainment were wonderful as usual. We do our best to turn on the radio and listen to "PHC" as it seems it is the last refuge for "wholesome" entertainment.

BUT... There was a shocker pulled on us when Miss McKay sung "Identity Theft". At the end of the song there are words which I do not want to type here but, please tell us that they were substituted on air.

We enjoy your show very much and even thought Miss McKay's songs were great! We do have a sense of humor. We are just thinking of the mass of other families (with children) that also listen to the show.

Signed Sincerely,
The Durons

Dear Mr. Keillor:
I'm an English Education major at St. Olaf College and love it. I want to inspire people to develop a love of reading, writing, seeing plays, and all that other stuff. What was your reason for majoring in English?
Did you always have a sense of going into radio? Any fall-back plans?
Keep up the good work on the air waves.

Taylor Brorby
Northfield, MN

A good Norwegian name, Brorby, which means "brother town," which might be similar to our Twin Cities, Minneapolis and St. Paul, but which one is the brother and which is the sister? We hear the phrase "sister city" often but never "brother city". How might one decide the gender of towns? — There's why one majors in English, Taylor, the dumb fascination with words, which goes back to childhood, the little boy (me) in the backseat of the car reading the billboards as Daddy speeds along and even the names on mailboxes, words flying by, advertisements for dairies and deluxe restaurants (the word "deluxe" savored on the tongue, over and over, like a piece of steak), and perhaps this fascination is even stronger in a child (me) who had a harder time learning to read — maybe the quick and facile all went on to law school and the little toiler somehow fell in love with what was harder for him. And then, too, hovering over my childhood was the King James Bible in all of its majesty, read and quoted from daily. And being strict Christians we had no TV and wouldn't go to movies, so I was never seduced by the screen. I was seduced by Sinclair Lewis and Thoreau and Dickens and novels about tramp steamers setting out from San Francisco to the Orient and Fitzgerald writing about poor boys in love with rich girls, and that is a river that leads you to major in English. It doesn't go anywhere else.

I had no interest in radio until it dawned on me that I needed to earn money and couldn't do that by writing sonnets and essays. I had no fall-back plan, none at all. Didn't want to teach (too hard) and wasn't disciplined enough to work in an office, so radio was perfect. I found radio when I was in college and though I quit it several times, most recently in 1987, I came back to it and here I am, a very lucky man indeed. To be able to make so many mistakes and not sink the ship. I'm a guy at retirement age who feels he is just starting out. I assume my wife will tell me when it's time to stop. She was a music major and has an excellent sense of pitch.

Garrison,
I have loved your show since first tuning in back in 1990. For years I have loved the hilarious Bob Dylan parodies. (Especially once when he sang a duet with Jesse Ventura). Who is the cast member who does the Dylan voice? Is it Rich, Pat, Tom, or none of the above?

Turner C.
Magnolia, TX

Tim Russell does the Dylan voice as a rule, though Rich Dworsky does a good Dylan too, and I've heard Pat Donohue do him, but not on the air. Tom Keith doesn't do singing impressions, except for the late Harry Lauder. Fred Newman does a fabulous Barry Manilow, but Dylan pretty much belongs to Tim.

Post to the Host:
Here in Snellville, Georgia ("Everybody is Somebody in Snellville") this weekend, we experienced a rare event: three inches of snow. The family hunkered-down in the den to listen to "A Prairie Home Companion" Saturday night after an exciting afternoon scraping the snow off the grass and constructing snow people. On the show you mentioned "chicken hot dish."

Now, here in the south, our comfort food is fried chicken, rice and gravy, string beans seasoned with bacon, sliced home-grown tomatoes, and buttermilk biscuits with honey or jam. However, the traditional southern meal just doesn't seem appropriate for our snowy weather. I'm ready to try chicken hot dish; it sounds cozy, nutritious, and filling. I hope you will post the chicken and tuna hot dish recipes for us loyal listeners to try.

Carol H.

You build a hot dish on rice or noodles, Carol, so choose one, and then choose your sauce — cream of mushroom, tomato, or something else — and then chop whatever marginal vegetables are sitting in the crisper, waiting to be thrown away, and then you toss in the chicken to stew in the sauce. Top with grated cheese, or not, or Bac-O-Bits, or not, or chopped green onions, or not, and eat in dim light. Myself, I'd prefer the fried chicken but only if you made it. I haven't had really good fried chicken in Minnesota since my mother stopped making it. She was a fine cook but old ladies come to a point where they simply lose interest and they'd rather go to Country Buffet, home of All-U-Can-Eat Mashed Legumes.

Mr. Garrison Keillor,
I would be grateful if you could set my heart at ease and let me know precisely where you stand on the subject of atheists. I am one, and yet despite that I love your show and its down-home warmth, its honesty and above all its humility. I even love the songs that include God in their lyrics, as they aren't arrogant at all and only try to provide comfort in an often cruel world. I am convinced that you are not, never were and never could be a bigot, and that your love for your God does not preclude giving a fair hearing to people who do not need a god to tell them to be a good person, eat your vegetables, don't steal, don't lie etc, in other words to be (almost) all the good things a good Minnesotan is as described in your book "Homegrown Democrat". I am not a Minnesotan: I live in Rhode Island, founded by Roger Williams, the great proponent of freedom of conscience, a champion of tolerance and a personal hero of mine.

Stephen M.
Providence

It's good to hear from an atheist, especially one who is tolerant and humorous, as you are, Stephen. I know quite a few atheists and some of them are tolerant and others rather prickly and if you want my honest opinion of atheists, I'd say they tend to be pompous. I'm sure they feel beleaguered in the sea of piety and that makes them defensive and irritable. Very understandable. And I don't mind their lawsuits against Christmas in the schools and school prayer and all of that, though I do feel that religion is woven into our culture and that it's a foolish exercise to try to remove each strand. But one of the beautiful things about Christian faith is the pervading sense of mercy and forgiveness, which is a form of humor. The parable of the prodigal son is a comical story. I don't doubt that atheists can be good people, but of course the Christian faith is not about goodness, it's about darkness, especially our own darkness. But that's our problem, not yours. As for Rhode Island, my ancestor Elder John Crandall was Roger Williams's right-hand man and we Keillors are proud of that.

Freedom of conscience: long may it wave. As we Christians get older and wiser, we become a little gentler in our self-righteousness. Glad you enjoy the show.

Hello Mr. Keillor.
I am a Graphic Design student at California State Polytechnic University – Pomona. As a class assignment for my Graphic Design 2 class I have been assigned to develop a look for the Olympic Games if they were to be held in Lake Wobegon, including logos, banners, tickets, apparel, transportation and anything related to the Olympic Games. I am writing to you to ask what you think the Olympic Games would look like, what kind of visuals would be associated with these Games, and how the town of Lake Wobegon would be affected by such an event. Any tips or suggestions you can give me would be greatly, greatly appreciated. Thank you!

Alexsaundra P.
Pomona

This would be the summer Olympics, Alexsaundra — winter Olympics would be problematic since there isn't much downhill here — and I'd suggest that you think small-town skyline for a design motif: low storefronts, church steeples, and the iconic water tower, the barrel-type on steel-beam legs, and the grain elevator. The architecture of the midwestern small-town would appeal to you, I think, and especially the various classic styles of frame house from the late 19th Century.

What would the effect on Lake Wobegon be? Sheer devastation, I imagine. This is a town of fewer than two thousand and it would vanish under the onslaught of visitors and construction, much like a town in the path of a hurricane or a horde of locusts. But there would be a story in that, and maybe it'd be more interesting than what's going on there now, which is cold and snow and darkness.

Dear Garrison Keillor,
I live in a retirement village in New Zealand, and I heard your radio show 2 mornings in a row. For some reason it hasn't been on again, and I have no idea what happened to the man and woman down the man-hole.

In NZ this week we had 3 tourists rescued from 'Harwood Hole' a 200 foot hole where young people abseil down. There was an American girl, Canadian man and Welshman, and 14 rescuers took over 12 hours to save them. It has reminded me that I must know what happened down the manhole in your show. Please how can I find out? I have enquired to our National Radio Station for more episodes but have heard nothing as yet. I am only 71 but realise that the rest of my life could be ruined if I don't find out.

Thank you,
Yvonne B. M.

You tuned in to an episode of "Crispy the Rescue Dog" in which a man fell into an open manhole in Times Square in New York, and then Mayor Bloomberg fell in after him. The episode ended with Mr. Bloomberg telling the man to bend over and he, the Mayor, would climb up on his back and out the manhole and then help the man out. On that slight joke, the episode ended. "Crispy" is not a serial story from week to week, each episode is self-contained, and so the ending must be left to your imagination. I believe that both Mayor Bloomberg and the gentleman got out of the manhole simply and easily. In New York City, people who fall in a hole are not allowed to languish for long periods of time. This is all the more true if one of them is the mayor. And now I am wondering what "abseil" means. I suppose it means to use your belly as a plane but the thought of people dropping 200 feet for pleasure is a little beyond me. I guess there is much about New Zealand that we have yet to understand.

Mr. Keillor,
I really miss many of the great sponsors from the past. Will you ever resurrect such greats as Raw Bits, Bertha's Kitty Boutique, Bigger Hammer Hardware, Worst-Case Scenarios and Ralph's Pretty Good Grocery? I know I wouldn't qualify for Raw Bits, but my son is a good kid and might do so someday, and it would be wonderful to hear some new (or old!) spots for those great sponsors.

Thanks,
Steve

What can I say? Writing comedy isn't carpentry and there comes a day when you sit down to write humorously about cats and you simply can't do it. So you don't. You move on. Some things prove durable and others don't. We live with uncertainty. But your memory is better than mine, Steve. I had forgotten all about Raw Bits, (Listen) and now I can't quite remember what the premise was. Bertha's has returned now and then. Worst Case Scenarios sort of transmogrified into Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie. Ralph's is still in Lake Wobegon. Bigger Hammer? Are you sure that was on our show?

Post to the Host:
I just received a signed copy of Pontoon for Christmas, and noted that your signature was extremely legible, which is unusual for someone famous who is signing thousands of books and is in need of speed more than accuracy. Did you have an elementary teacher who drilled you on handwriting?

Rod S.
Brookville, OH

Penmanship was very important to Mrs. Estelle Shaver, my first and second-grade teacher at Benson School on the West River Road in Brooklyn Park in 1948-1950. She had an excellent hand herself and stood at the blackboard and demonstrated it day after day, the perfect loops, the dangling curled tail of the g and y and q, and I suppose it was from Mrs. Shaver that I absorbed the sense that illegible handwriting was slovenly and immature. I admit I still feel that way, quaint as it may seem. I look at some people's handwriting and even though they are folks of some distinction, doctors, lawyers, poets, and such, I see something unsavory in the way their letters are formed. Jagged, cramped, illegible handwriting is on a par with public nose-picking in my book. I shouldn't say it, but that's how I feel. And if I look at an autograph that is a scrawl, it strikes me as arrogant somehow. And when I see a signature like Bill Clinton's, which is really elegant and perfectly legible, I feel a burst of admiration. My own signature has gone through phases of scrawliness but it has always, I think, been legible and sometimes even elegant. That's what I keep aiming for anyway. Mrs. Shaver is gone but her influence is still strong. Including a feeling that, if your penmanship goes to pieces, then you might start drinking brandy Alexanders for breakfast and driving like a maniac and blaming your parents for your troubles. I could go on, Rod, but will not. But to be complimented for penmanship means an awful lot to me, I must say. It's sort of like our technical director Sam Hudson's pride in winding up microphone cable properly. Or Pat Donohue knowing how to pick up a guitar.

Dear Garrison,
First I must say that I am an avid and long time fan. Last night I attended your San Diego performance at the San Diego Civic. It was the first time I have seen you in person and I enjoyed the evening but I noticed a "box" that looked like a teleprompter on the floor of the stage in front of you. Is that what it was, or am I mistaken?

Gabby D.

It was a monitor speaker, Gabby. The Civic is a beautiful hall but acoustically a little dead on stage, or so they told me, and thus the monitor speaker. I have often been tempted to get a teleprompter, but then I'd have to figure out what to put on it, and that's more complicated than just improvising. So onward we go. Sometimes in circles, but more or less forward. Glad you enjoyed the show.

Post to the Host:
My wife and I enjoyed the re broadcast of the Miami show. The music was especially good. You mentioned dining outside at a nearby restaurant, just up the hill from the show. It sounded wonderful. Can you remember the name of the place?

Sandy W.
Tustin, CA

I don't, Sandy, but the specific restaurant and its menu wasn't the highlight — what was exciting was the whole gaudy scene along the marina, the Latin dance music in the distance, the crowd thronging along the dock past the open-air tables, the Spanish in the air, the youth, little kids up late at night, the hubbub of Hispanic America and "la pura vida" especially for midwesterners on a warm winter night. Maybe you had to have recently come from snowdrifts to be enchanted by it.

Post to the Host:
I had occasion to buy a roll of duct tape the other day, and it occurred to me that we haven't heard much from the Duct Tape Council lately. Are they still co-sponsoring the show, along with the Ketchup Advisory Board and the Professional Order of English Majors? Or has the production of duct tape been outsourced to Mexico or China? Just wondering.

Jim K.
Port Huron, MI

The last spokesperson for the American Duct Tape Council was supermodel Cynthia Maxwell and she ran her Lamborghini roadster off Mulholland Drive while looking into the rearview mirror attempting to affix sequined duct tape to her left eyebrow and she crashed through a privacy fence into the backyard of a famous celebrity who was roasting marshmallows over a hibachi and though Miss Maxwell walked away from the Lamborghini uninjured, she tripped on a croquet wicket and this alarmed a cat who leaped and scratched her left calf and — well, it's a long story, but Miss Maxwell had an iron-clad exclusive contract and there was a cat clause in it, and so we've been waiting for this to get worked out. Thanks for your interest.

Dear Garrison,
As an honorary Minnesotan (my Mom's from here) visiting Stillwater (on the St. Croix) for our annual New Year's family gathering, I am wondering — What is "fresh" lutefisk? This question arose as we shopped at Brine's Meat Market (a Stillwater institution — check it out) yesterday, and saw the sign advertising it. I didn't want to show my ignorance at the local store (I could pass as a Minnesotan most days, with my heavy coat and snow boots). Isn't lutefisk by definition, not fresh? I would hate to see/taste/smell less than fresh lutefisk.

Any help on solving this mystery appreciated!

Sarah R.
Newcastle, CA

Ah, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah. "I didn't want to show my ignorance" — that's the wrong road for an intelligent young woman to travel. Showing ignorance is how we learn, it's how we get strangers to tell us their stories, it's how we experience the world fully. False sophistication — putting on a front of cool knowingness — is the road to ignorance. You should never ever be afraid to say, "What is that?" No need to preface it with an apology. I say this from bitter experience, Sarah. I wasted some of the best years of my life in pretending to a worldly sophistication that stopped my education right in its tracks. Even today, people looking at me imagine that I know all sorts of things that in fact I'm stupid about. Such as fresh lutefisk. I imagine it means that Brine's makes their own lutefisk and isn't selling stuff in plastic bags that was manufactured a year ago in China. I know Brine's Meat Market well. I used to shop there almost thirty years ago, before you were born (I assume, though I don't want to ask), before our radio show was broadcast in Newcastle, before Brine's was selling lutefisk, when they were mainly selling lean ground round and enormous pastrami sandwiches. Bud Brine would've been thrilled if a young woman from California had asked him about fresh lutefisk. He'd have invited her back behind the counter and offered her a taste of it and told her the whole story. Remember this little life lesson, Sarah. Some of the great journalists of our time have found that nothing works so well in gathering information as a display of ignorance. Happy New Year.