Dear Mr. Keillor,
Studying at the American University of Cairo has been an incredible experience so far, and is sure to be even more fantastic as my adventure continues. Much to my surprise, little slices of home appear more regularly than not, and in varying forms: a chocolate milkshake, an arabic-dubbed episode of "Roseanne," the brilliantly lit Coke advertisement over Midan Tahrir, and my favorite, the weekly broadcast of PHC via the internet.

Two items for your attention:

First, I am planning a bike trip through the Levant for Spring Break, and have recently unveiled the idea to my mother. Suffice it to say, she isn't enthused, and I've chosen as of yet not to reveal the plans to my father, as he will need his own containment ward in the ICU when he spontaneously combusts. I have checked, double and triple times, with local embassies and travel advisaries, arranged for accomodations at all my stops, have travel buddies and great plans, and I feel comfortable with the language and the area that we will be able to travel without problem or hassle (aside from the occasional flat tire, skinned knee, etc.). How do I satiate my Catholic-turned-Lutheran parents, who would really rather me choose a standard Spring Break fare, bikini-clad on a beach somewhere, and my own desire to go on this trip?

Second: as a little girl, I distinctly recall riding in my father's car listening to a taped recording of the "Lutheran's Guide to the Orchestra." I must have listened to it, and equally quoted it, thousands of times over, and years later I would remember your description of each instrument as I chose what to play in my own junior high school orchestra. The tape is long since gone, but the sketch was my first recollection of your show, and it holds many memories for my father and I. Would you be able to tell me where I might going about getting a copy of it?

Thanks, as always,
Caitlin C
Cairo, Egypt

Caitlin, send us a mailing address and we'll send you a Young Lutheran CD. As for the bike trip to the Levant, I can't advise you. I'd just point out the obvious: sometimes, to spare our loved ones anxiety, we avoid doing things even if we know they're safe. If someone is afraid of flying, you don't try to browbeat them into it: you resign yourself to making a long car trip. If it makes a loved one worry to see you go out the door at 3 a.m., you find a way not to do it. The fact that you're going with friends and have researched the trip ought to reassure your father, but I'm afraid this is your call, dear. Just don't go gallivanting around the Levant in your bikini.

Dear Mr. Keillor,
I was second in line to see your movie at the South by Southwest Film Festival here in Austin. The movie was fabulous. The theatre erupted with laughter and cheers and clapping and even the occasional sing-along.

Frankly, the best part was the opening scene with you in your underwear.

Best,
Kate P.
Austin, TX

Kate, you said everything I paid you to say except that you loved my dancing. Maybe you went out for popcorn and missed that. The underwear scene was intended to show vulnerability. You want a man to have that, especially if he has a stone face.

Hi Garrison,
I'm wondering if you could post the words to that song you so carefully memorized in Danish for your former wife. You told us you learned it phonetically, not realizing that it was---in typical Danish style---a warm wish of love and happiness from a spurned suitor. :-))
And, also in typical Danish style, she heard your true intention in spite of the inappropriate words. Could you furnish a translation?

Thanks!
Karen H
Reno, Nevada

I remember the first verse, Karen, all these years later:
Jeg fik en sorg saa stor
i imine ungdoms dage
den aldrig fra mig gaar,
saa lange som jeg leve.
Den storste sorg forvist
at man kan overgaa,
det er at elske en
som man kan aldrig faa.

I got a sorrow so great
in my younger days
that never will go away from me
as long as I live.
The greatest sorrow known
that one can experience,
which is to love someone
whom you can never have.

It goes on from there to wish the lost love as many happy days as there are leaves on the tree or sands on the beach. A beautiful melody. I sang it for several Danish friends and nobody had ever heard it.

Dear Garrison,
It is always amazing to me how versatile and talented Rich Dworsky is. In particular, his accompanyment and short solos in the country and folk songs you sing with Prudence Johson (and have sung with many others) makes the music so beautiful, so heart-warming (or heart-wrenching), and so authentic. My question is -- do you have all the music, including Rich's part, written out in advance, or does Rich extemporize?

Gary G.
Albany, CA

PS - All your musicians are great, but Rich Dworsky is one of a kind.

You're right about Rich, he is a rare talent and covers all the bases ----- he is a composer (there's a fine CD of his music available via the website) and an arranger, he directs the band, he accompanies singers, and he sings the Ketchup jingle and sometimes other things. Rich is both a reader and improviser, so he can give us a Chopin etude or he can play gospel music or improvise in any style. He is a detail guy who would always like to have some notes on paper in front of him (he can scribble down chords as fast as you can sing a song) but if the paper blows away, or the singer switches key, or we sing something else, he would be right there, doing the right thing. At the moment, he's in LA working on the sound track of the movie, "A Prairie Home Companion," which is yet another thing he does: he has good ears, all the better to hear you with.

Dear Garrison,
Do yourself a favor and don't print Posts to the Host that are obviously written by listeners who have other issues in their lives, an axe to grind, whatever. You have been very tolerant of the negative Posts, but it's clear that many of the Posts aren't about "Prairie Home Companion" at all. Put on your psychologist's hat and filter out some of these unhappy Posts -- unless, of course, you wish to put on your crown of thorns and save everyone!

Joan K.
Wisconsin Rapids, WI

You are awfully kind, Joan, but I don't mind negative Posts. People who listen to public radio are an independent lot and have high standards and aren't afraid to speak their minds. And I'm from Minnesota. We are brought up to ignore flattery and to heed our critics. And when you have the power of the microphone, it's only right that people should be able to talk back. Every joke is a knife in the back of somebody. Comedy is inevitably hurtful. Sixty people enjoy the joke and one person bursts into tears. That one person should be able to sass me back. It's only right. "A Prairie Home Companion" is not some big corporate entity in an airtight castle: we're a rather small operation of a handful of people scrabbling to make the show every week. We make mistakes and don't mind them being pointed out.

Mr. K,
How do you reconcile your supposed belief in a higher power with your mean spirited humor?

Also, why are you continually adding more caustic jabs at the President of our country into your show? Don't you want to entertain listeners rather that aggravate them?

Finally, just recently, you and/or your writers seemed to associate the war in Iraq with the need for oil. Are you really that naive?

Lorna M.
Eugene, OR

Lorna, this is an awfully bitter letter on your part and then you bring God into it. I can't think of anything mean-spirited about the president that we've done lately. Unless you believe he is a deity. I think he is a war criminal, but I would never say so on the show. If you have some guidelines for what can and cannot be said about the president, I'd be curious to know what they are.

About oil, yes, I guess I am that naive. But I am from Minnesota and it's been a long winter.

Dear Post to the Host,

I am a confirmed Oreo Cookie addict.

There, I said it.

At present I am two cookie a day oreohead currently taking the chocolate creme variety. I am a former fudge covered eater but don't have a source at this time. I heard the Oreo Cookie song on the show from Grand Forks and would like (read that "gotta have") if not the music, at least the words to that anthem.

Tell me how, please to get the song. My need is great.

Tom C.

(Answer from Russ Ringsak, cookie & blues expert)

Hi Tom,
It was written by Lonnie Mack and a guy named Wilkerson, and is on Mack's fabulous "Strike Like Lightning" album from 1985, on Alligator.

OREO COOKIE BLUES

Chocolate on my fingers
Icing on my lips
Sugar diabetes and
Blubber on my hips
I keep the night light burning in the kitchen babe So I can go downstairs and cruise I got them Oreo Cream sandwich Chocolate covered cream-filled cookie blues

I hide 'em in the cabinet
I keep 'em in a jar
For emergencies I keep'em
In the glove compartment of my car
But I can't live without 'em
They get me high like I get on booze
I got them Oreo Cream sandwich
Chocolate covered cream-filled cookie blues

The doctor says I'm crazy
Says you better give'em up but quick
Or you'll be pushing up daisies because
Boy you're definitely sick
I couldn't quit if I wanted to
Yeh, and I don't want to lose
Them Oreo Cream sandwich - now listen here - Chocolate covered cream-filled cookie - Built by Nabisco, ain't no rookie - Next best thing to nookie - Blues

With all the tedious P.C. going on in academia these days, we skipped the stock ending.

Russ

Dear Garrison,
Two years ago, I heard you recite a poem at a romantic poetry festival at the University of Minnesota, a poem that said something like "nothing done in love is ever wasted". It's like a song lyric I can't get out of my head & I have researched several different online poetry anthologies with no luck. Do you know who wrote it?

Kathy T.
Cedarburg, WI

I wrote it. It's called "A Love Poem." I've used it a few times on the show. The verse you remember goes: "All of the lovers and the love they made---/ Nothing between them was a mistake./All that we did for love's sake/Was not wasted and will never fade." Not sure that that's true but that's what I wrote. The whole poem you can probably find in the PHC archives, or the catalogue sells a fancy print of it

Dear Garrison,
Many years ago, as a media migrant worker, I found myself in the Twin Cities and I came upon your show broadcasting live from an island in the Mississippi. I stood in the back as the Red Clay Ramblers played. I returned to San Antonio, where there was no public radio at the time. So I put a rotating pole and a 12 foot antenna atop the roof, and became a regular listener to the program on KUT. Then you quit the show and moved overseas. It took a few years, but I have forgiven you. I married Sue Hennessy of St. Paul, and we make our home in Arlington, where I work overnights at a little AM station called WBAP. I regret I will not be able to travel to Austin for the premiere of the film. What a time that will be!

So, Mr. Keilkor, my request of you is, could you sing 'We're All Republicans Now' on the show again? It is our favorite song. Our children can sing it at school, and their thick headed neo-con classm ates have no idea they are being made fun of.

Bob C.
Arlington, TX

Bob, for your children I'd be happy to revive "We're All Republicans Now" and sing it with vigor. Maybe even on April 1st when our show will come from Minneapolis. And with new words, if I can think up some. Good for you, coming up here and absconding with a St. Paul girl, and I can only imagine how she must wilt in the Texas summer. My heart goes out to her. Sorry about quitting and going to Denmark. It was a huge mistake and I've repented of it over and over. It was harder on me than it was on you, believe me.

Dear Garrison,
In your role as chronicler of Americana I suggest research into the role of mimeographs. The youngest people likely to have direct experience with them are in our generation. Our father's generation, which had the most experience, is disappearing fast.

The most famous user of the Mimeograph machine, of course, is ex-PFC Wintergreen of the novel Catch-22. He is the snotty little punk who was always being busted back to Private for insubordination, but he was the most powerful man in the European Theater because he ran the mimeograph at Headquarters. He set the schedule for which orders and plans got published next. The ones he didn't like he marked "Prolix", and threw in the wastebasket.

I know from personal experience that churches of the Misery Synod used these machines to control their flocks. They not only published church programs that told you which hymn to sing next, but also lots of other data that pointed out the True Path. I suppose the Sainted Brethren couldn't afford them in the midst of all that schism activity, but you could ask some of your Lutheran contacts to tell you about them. A schism must be something like a divorce, except that you get to argue about who gets custody of the Mimeograph machine rather than the dog.

For us whippersnappers who ran the machines, it was our first experience with mood-enhancing drugs. The chemicals that were used in the toners for those things were at least as potent as glue, for sniffing. You had to be pretty sharp to get anything useful off those machines, unlike the Xerox machines in use today that will give you double-sided, folded, stapled documents with less skill than is needed to use a TV remote.

Move fast, while the live accounts are still available.

Mike G.
Northridge, CA.

You've done it, my boy: memorialized the mimeograph. From now on, anyone who Googles "mimeograph" is going to find, among the 3,497,256 entries, this very page and they will read your account with dull interest and then go somewhere else. I do not mourn the passing of the mimeo. I mourn the passing of the hectograph, which preceded it, a large tray of gelatin on which a master-sheet imprinted ink which then you could print onto 20 to 30 copies. The first paper I ever wrote for, the Sunnyvale Star, was printed from a hectograph. I wish I had one now.

Dear Sir,
I caught part of the PBS broadcast of your show. It was nice to put corporal bodies to ethereal voices. My question: Do you all visit a barber or hairstylist or, once a month or so, do you stand in a big circle and cut each others' hair. If the first is true, then I hope you don't pay more than $5 at the barber college. And, if it's the second, then some of you are much better amateur barbers for the person in front of you than the person who is behind you.

Yes, it's a convoluted question but I am on the rack of expectation, joints about to pop out of their sockets, waiting for an answer.

Sincerely,
Janusz M.
Atlanta, Georgia

We have radio hair, Janusz, which looks tacky on TV but that's how it is. Radio waves affect the hair much as static electricity does. Most of the people you see on TV are wearing wigs made from animal byproducts and we refuse to do that. Not fair to the animals and not necessary for our fans, who look beyond the hair and into the soul. Sorry you were distracted by our hair and didn't notice that we were buck naked during part of the PBS broadcast. But TV is mesmerizing and fifteen minutes later, nobody remembers what they saw.

Garrison,
I would like to thank you for your show at the Chester Fritz in Grand Forks on March 4th. As a police officer I have spent many a Saturday night driving in my squad car listening to your show on the radio. Thank you for making those boring winter nights pass by with good clean humor. Please come back to North Dakota anytime!

Steve H.
Grand Forks

Steve, it was our pleasure. The Chester Fritz is a fine venue, one of our favorites in the whole country, and that student crew was completely professional and fun to be around. And of course it was good for us to see some real winter, having had a weird slushy January. I can imagine a cop in Grand Forks has his hands full on these winter nights, especially when North Dakota loses in hockey to Minnesota twice in one weekend, as happened in December. I can imagine people doing desperate things, taking the long walk across the tundra, and you having to rescue them. If you need Guy Noir to come and answer any persistent questions, just let us know.

Mr Keillor,
I enjoy reading letters from fans around the country listening to your show while in snowstorms and long-haul trucks, but I have a huge confession to make. In the mid 1980's, I had a professor at the University of Wisconsin who loved PHC and talked about the show in her speech class. I belittled her for it. At 18 years old, with a pink mohawk and pierced nose, I was into the whole punk rock scene and even ran off to New York City for 2 years.

But, by the time I was 24, I was back in the fold in time to attend thirteen years of lutefisk dinners and pancake breakfasts with my Grandmother. (Thank Goodness!) I'm now nearing 40, with a happy family and a successful business. I have even recently joined the Sons of Norway. My family has never discussed this period in my life, although when my husband and I were dating, my brothers took him aside and warned him about my "dark side". Will this guilt ever subside about being a Norwegian/Lutheran who went through a punk rock phase?

Inga Pederson
Blaine MN

Don't beat yourself up, Inga. Your old speech teacher was glad to have you stand up in class and contradict her — speech is drama, and what's drama without conflict? I assume your hair has recovered and your nose has healed. Your going to lutefisk dinners for thirteen years with Grandma makes up for everything. Everything. There's nothing to discuss. So come along on our PHC cruise to Norway in the summer of '07 and we'll cruise through the fjords between Bergen and Trondhjem and one night you can get up and sing "Voodoo Child" with Rich Dworsky.

Garrison,
My 3 sons want to do a comedy act for the school talent show (ages 7, 10 and 12). They have won 2 years in a row as the "Fabulous Burnam Boys" presenting old Carson show sketches; Carnack was a huge hit last year. The problem is I'm fresh out of material for the show this year. As our whole family are huge fans, I thought maybe you could suggest something from Prairie Home that we could use.

Desperate Dad in Columbia.

Why not cobble together a routine of jokes from the Pretty Good Jokebook? The 4th edition is around and contains a wide range of suitable material. Animal jokes, lightbulb jokes, 3rd grader jokes, the man walked into a bar, you name it. All they need is a prop, like a rubber chicken or a toilet plunger or a pop gun with a Bang flag.

Dear Mr. Keillor, Ahhhh! At last I am going to get this off my chest. Who in your entire listening public cares to hear your list of credits other than the people being credited and perhaps their families? I am so tired of hearing the credits read that I leap to the radio to change to another station. At least the guys on "Car Talk" make fun of reading the credits; and their humor concerning the credits is quite entertaining which is the point of the radio broadcasts, yours included. I feel that forcing the names of everyone who works on the show on your listening public is a rude and arrogant policy. You may not be in control of such policy but please pass this message along to those who make it, Please!!!! I have enjoyed listening to you tell your stories and do the skits for years. I enjoy the western and Scotch and Irish music but I am getting tired of the New Orleans jazz and blues. I change the station when they are on.

Steve B.
Republic, WA.

Life must be awfully good in Republic that our credit roll would irritate you to such an extent. It is probably the shortest credit roll in all of radio. It takes about 15 seconds or less and includes about eight people. It comes at the end of the show so if you wished to avoid it, you could simply walk away, one would think. I am in control of the policy, so consider your message received. "Rude and arrogant"? To acknowledge the work of one's colleagues is rude and arrogant?

Dear Garrison, I am a nervous airplane flyer. So I wanted to let you know the calm that swept over me when I saw you boarding my plane on Feb. 24, going from Hartford to Minneapolis. This was the first leg of my return to my home in Oregon. Somehow, I knew that the plane would stay in the air to get you back for your show. And if not, there was even some comfort in knowing that I would at least perish in a grisly fireball with the man who has entertained me for so many years. Thanks. [Of course, the Xanax may have helped a little too].

Seamus M.
Oswego, OR

Glad I could help the Xanax bring you some peace of mind, Seamus. Paul Yandell, Chet Atkins's guitar partner, used to say he hated flying with Chet and me because the headline would say, "Atkins and Keillor and 9 Others Perish In Plane Crash" (we flew small planes) and Paul didn't want to be one of the Others. I fly so much that it's become about as terrifying as taking the schoolbus to Anoka. Actually, much less terrifying. On the schoolbus I used to have to fight to get a seat and on the plane I have one assigned to me, usually on the aisle. If I took Xanax, I'd drop off to sleep and never get any work done. But of course, living in a place as beautiful as Oswego, why would you need to fly anywhere?

Post to the Host:
The other night my boyfriend and I walked down to Lee's Liquor Lounge to watch "Cash-A-Roke", a Monday night Johnny Cash event which allows anyone off the street to belt Cash tunes with a live band. Singers of every stripe were ably backed by The Al Subola Trio, supplemented by Lazy Ike (of the honky-tonk group Lazy Ike & the Daredevils). Greg Huff, whom I know to be an English major and former newspaper reporter, sports a cowboy hat and country duds as Lazy Ike, and sings with the requisite twang.

During their second set, I was reminded of both "The Lives of the Cowboys" and "Bob the English Major", when Lazy Ike revealed his true English major colors. He referred to a Cash-singer as "champing at the bit to get on stage." Although "champing" is correct, I think a cowboy would be more likely to use "chomping" or "chompin'". Think of the huge inner conflict involved in being a grammarian in a hillbilly band!

Jana Stow
Minneapolis

It's not easy being an English major, Jana, and then to lay cowboyhood on top of it, there are going to be conflicts. And there's a classic one: champing or chomping — correctness of grammar or correctness of style. A person just has to take that step on faith.

Dear Mr. Keillor,
Do you have any pets? What pets would you recommend for a late middle aged couple?

Thank you for your kind attention.

Paula Thorn
St. Paul

I don't. Haven't had pets for twenty years. Decided that I prefer travel. For a late middle aged couple, I'd recommend used pets. Some pleasant old dog with mileage on him.