Mr. Keillor,

Get off the Pope, will you?

He's a civilized, cultured man. He was a university professor for years. He's a skilled classical pianist. He's quiet, almost shy, urbane, decent, and has more class and education and just plain intelligence in his little finger than you'll ever have.

You know, when you think you will get a big guffaw out of taking pot-shots at the Pope or the Catholic Church, you just show yourself to be the typical beetle-browed neanderthal who thinks that all Catholics are stupid, blah, blah blah.

And last week, you called him Pope Clement. Duh. The last Pope Clement died in 1774.

The pope hasn't been carried in a sedan chair in about a century. John Paul II attracted crowds bigger than any crowds in human history for any purpose. When he went somewhere, the planet practically tilted off its axis from the rush of people to be near him. No one in the history of the world has had his influence - and been as truly, personally loved and mourned as he was. And it was all televised. For 26 years. And never once did you see a sedan chair. Some how you missed that. For 26 years.

If you want to know what Pope Benedict really has to say about Christmas, you can find it at the Vatican website. It's nothing about fear - that's your stupid, 'Let's bash Catholics AND Germans' crap.

I am sick to the back teeth with people like you thinking that everything is sacred, no group can be offended, all religions must be tolerated - except the one billion Catholics on the planet, who can be ridiculed anytime you want to.

The good old American anti-Catholic bigotry, the only bigotry left to politically correct liberals. Is it any wonder that Catholics have abandoned the Democratic party in droves? It's full of people like you - who bash Catholics and think you're funny. If being a Democrat would mean being bashed for my religion, and seeing my spiritual father bashed and ridiculed and slandered (he's NOT about 'fear' and the Catholic Church is NOT about 'fear') - why would I have anything to do with that party? Catholics have always been the working-class outsider in the US, and used to always be Democrats. People like you are doing a great job to change that.

I'm Catholic. I'm of German descent, and I'm fed up with it. The Catholics in America are fed up with it. It's not fashionable anymore. Get with it.

And don't come back with the smarmy, 'Just turn off the radio' reply. You try turning off the bigotry and cheap shots. There's no call for it.

Catholics make up one-sixth of the population of the planet. Pope Benedict is the spiritual leader for one-sixth of the population of the planet. Have a little respect for us and for him. Ridicule the Dali Lama; ridicule the chief Rabbi of Jerusalem. Oh, no, of course not. Ridicule the spiritual leader of one-sixth of the people on the planet - Brilliant! What a concept!

You have a lovely show. Why offend your listeners? Arrogance? Cluelessness? Blind bigotry? What?

C. Fleischman

San Francisco, CA

C.F., yours is just about the best angry letter I've received in more than thirty years of doing the show, and I admire it. It maintains a high level of rage and contempt throughout, and you've got some of your facts straight ---- you're absolutely right about my Pope Clement slip, one of those truly dumb moments that one recognizes about fifteen seconds too late to do anything about - and it's very well written. But you don't know how to stop once you get started. Anger can do this to a person. You get in and you forget where the brakes are. The sedan chair was a little piece of dramatic silliness, as you, in a calm moment, would know. And this is America, pal, where we make fun of just about anything. Norwegians, Germans, Anglos, Unitarians, liberals, Scientologists, Mormons, Buddhists, Episcopalians (why can't Episcopalians play chess? Because they can't tell a bishop from a queen) so if you want everybody to bow their head as you walk by, you've got your work cut out for you. Your sense of persecution is wildly misplaced. If the Democratic party is out of step with the Church, it's because the two are separate and independent, and because the church believes that its teachings on abortion and gays and contraception are more important than its teachings on social justice. Christ said a great deal about the poor, so one would think that's important in Christian theology, but you can make up your own mind about that. If you're outraged at a piece of comedy about the Pope and you accept with equanimity the people in your party cutting Medicaid, then you're a very interesting Christian indeed.

Dear Garrison,
Once again a wonderful show in a wonderful town Saturday night in the Town Hall in Manhattan. We were fortunate to run into you "apres-show" at a restaurant nearby. You were gracious in stopping by our table, autographed the program for my son, but as you ambled away a horrible thought passed through my mind, will success and stardom on the big screen next year take you away from us, your small band of loyal followers? You walked into the restaurant solo (since apparently your dinner guests had already arrived) but after your blockbuster hits the big screen, will you be traveling with (gasp) an entourage?!?! Say it ain't so...

Hoping you never forget your roots,

Mark Coller,
Staten Island, NY

Mark, I'm too old for stardom. Either it happens when you're young or it won't ever darken your door. Lindsay Lohan, who was in that movie, is a major star, her every public appearance reported to her avid fans, and she had an entourage with her in St. Paul when the movie was shot, but since it was St. Paul, she didn't need one. Lindsay walked up and down the street and around the block all alone and no paparazzi followed her. Perhaps this made her uneasy. I don't know. When I saw you that Saturday night at Osteria al Doge, I was on my way to join Meryl Streep for dinner, who was with four of her Vassar classmates who had all come to the show that night. There isn't a bigger movie star in Christendom than Meryl Streep, but evidently she walked right past your table and you didn't see her. She is smart and funny and down-to-earth and she's still pals with women she went to school with, and if that's movie stardom, it doesn't look bad.

Hello Garrison,
The radio is far superior to television as entertainment because it doesn't confine you to a dark little room, staring at a screen with no real social interaction. My wife and I and a friend or two always listen to PHC outdoors no matter what the season. Even if we have a foot of snow on the ground, we gather around a big bonfire in the winter. During the summer we sit in or beside our favorite swimming hole in Bald Eagle Creek with the radio on the bank beside a cooler of Genesee Cream Ale. In this way your show is the highlight of our weekend without keeping us from enjoying the beauty of central Pennsylvania.

By the way, your show always seems especially great in the atmosphere of a college campus. Has anyone ever suggested an extended tour of each Big 10 school? We have a wonderful space in Eisenhower Auditorium here in wonderful Happy Valley at Penn State!

Thanks for everything,
Mike Hertzler
Centre County, PA

That's outstanding, Mike, and you sound like a very focused guy, to be able to listen to a radio show (which, after all, does have its peaks and valleys and occasional deep caves) while watching a bonfire. I couldn't do it. As for listening while sitting in water, be careful! It would hurt me terribly to hear about four fans electrocuted in Centre County. (Of course it would hurt you even more.) You're right about college shows. Something about the milieu (a word I learned in college) does excite a person, especially if you aren't facing a chemistry test. I'm teaching a composition course at the University of Minnesota spring semester and have been excited about it for months, especially since I have no idea what to teach them (composition is hard, except sometimes it's not, and you rewrite a lot, and then you read the stuff aloud and maybe you throw it out and maybe you don't). I guess it's true that our inner age stays around 24 and so when I'm on a campus I'm around my confreres instead of the geezerish folks I usually hang out with. And of course they're so much fun to lie to, since they don't have the background to discern fiction.

Dear Garrison,
I just got home from a horrible critique on a project I spent too much time and effort on in a class that really shouldn't mean as much to me as it does. I am a writing major at an art school in the San Francisco area and, while riding the bus home I realized that I had no idea what I was doing and no idea what to do to start working towards what I want to be doing. Which is to do is have a radio show and write all the time and live with my
sister and have some cats and maybe a Brussels griffon and a fish or two. But instead I'm taking general education classes in painting and drawing and sculpture which, although interesting, have nothing to do with writing. My one writing class is constantly being pushed to the side because of the demands of the other classes. I just want to know, how did you get where you are? If someone, say a blue-haired blue-eyed 21-year-old freshman writing student at an art college wanted to eventually have a radio show and write books, what should be her first step?

Thank you very much
Cordelia Daniels

The first step, Cordelia, is to write and you take this step every day, no matter what. It may sound self-evident but the truth is that most people who want to write do not, in fact, write, and many writers don't write, though they plan to and do some research and talk about writing, they don't sit down and do the work. Writer's block is the result of misjudging your own talent. If you imagine you're a Great Novellist and you sit down and can't write the great novel, it means that you're not who you thought you were. You're maybe a columnist or a humorist, not a novellist. So that's what you do. You write, and you use writing to resolve your own troubles—you write about the guy who gave you the bad critique and about his sour life, his wife who told him she has feelings for her therapist, his car that needs $873 worth of repairs, his son who had a swastika tattooed on his abdomen, his dying cat, and that's how you get over it. You write about your life as a radio star and your sister's roommate and what you will do with all the money, what paintings to put on the wall, whether to go to Sumatra or Kathmandu for summer vacation. How did I get where I am? Well, for one thing, I'm basically in the same predicament you are. I face the same blank page you do. I got on the radio and into print through a number of fortunate accidents and the generosity of many people. It helps to look needy. People look at this tall confused man who needs their help to deal with circumstances he can't begin to comprehend and they drop their other duties and help, and that's how I get by. You get into radio by sneaking in when nobody's looking. That gets you on the air. And then you have to find a way to outshine the aging talents who are there already, and that isn't hard, my dear. The world loves youth and you've got it, so use it. Good luck.

Dear Mr. Keillor,
I have been a truckdriver for 20-something years, which is how I
discovered your show long ago. I spend the early part of every Saturday search/seeking the FM band for the local NPR station in whatever state I happen to be moving through at the time. I have been known to linger at a fuel stop or rest area longer than intended, in order to hear the rest of the show, if it starts to fade out while I'm moving. Since we are usually in different time zones, I often call my husband (who also drives truck) to remind him to find his local NPR station, (if I'm ahead of him, time-zone wise) and not give away any of the stories.

Anyway, the reason I'm writing. is that we would like to come to your
show for our 20th anniversary in September, but unfortunately, we live in TEXAS, so don't expect to see you down here. We surely don't mind traveling to see you, but need to plan ahead so we can both be in the appropriate state at the same time. Any idea about mid September of 2006?

Thank you for miles and miles of great stories about people I feel I
know.

Trish Dalton

Trish, it's good to know you're out there and thanks for letting us know. Our show comes to Austin, Texas, in June, and if you wanted to catch that, I'd be sure you had tickets. Or you could truck up here to the Minnesota State Fair around Labor Day weekend and catch the show then. We do it in front of the old grandstand where stockcar races used to take place and there still is some of the old track remaining so if you drove truck up here, there'd be a place to park. And we'd be sure to include a speeding semi in a script. Tom Keith does that sound very well, the Doppler effect and all. I imagine the sound of an airhorn coming from the radio would keep a lot of truckers awake on those long hauls. And congratulations on the upcoming anniversary.

Dear Mr. Keillor,

I am an English teacher at an affluent liberal school on the upper west side. Whenever you are purportedly in town, I walk from school down Broadway to columbus circle in the hope that I run in to you. I am the mid-thirty year old in, yes, red tennis shoes. I also carry one of your books in my back pack and await your signature. I saw Fred Neuman leaving Circuit City last week. My hopes were elevated. You do tell stories about walking up Broadway; are these tall tales or will I see you walking up Broadway? Please do not change your walking route to Amsterdam or Columbus.

Best wishes,
Brian of Brooklyn

I will be watching for you, Brian. My hikes on Broadway are pretty much limited to the Eighties, down to Zabar's and Barnes & Noble, though of course I go up to the subway stop at 94th if I need to catch the express. And down to Lincoln Center and Lincoln Plaza movie theaters. I would never abandon Broadway for Amsterdam or Columbus. Careful with those red tennies in the winter slush—they will get old quick if you get them soused in salt. By the way, I met a boy who goes to your school, if your school happens to be Collegiate, and he thinks the world of it. He's an odd kid, as I was, and his enthusiasm about his school made me wish I'd gone to something similar. But then, of course, I would've had to grow up in New York, and New York has enough writers who grew up here, and I'd probably have become a teacher and be a fan of yours. Which maybe I am anyway, if you are one of his teachers.

Dear Garrison,
We were driving back from Thanksgiving in Bigfork, Montana this weekend and were lucky enough to catch your show. While the snow blew across the road and we inched along I-90 at 15 MPH, my companions and I were actually thankful for the delay in our travel. You see, there's a spot between Bozeman and Billings that the radio doesn't come in so well. In the treacherous conditions Saturday we were comforted knowing we would catch all two hours of PHC before the signal gave out. Slowing down in life is good. Would you entertain the idea of a show in Billings?

Best,
Erica Heinz

Erica, I have sometimes thought, looking at the audience at the broadcast fidgeting in their seats, "You people would appreciate this show more if you were driving through a blizzard." That is why the New York audience is so lively and generous ----- they had to work hard to get into Manhattan from Morristown or Poughkeepsie or Scranton, coming through tunnels and over bridges and trying to find a place to park around Times Square, so that when, finally, the lights dim and the stage lights up and the band plays "Tishomingo Blues," they feel a great rush of pleasure. After hours of suffering and misery, finally, a little entertainment. I'm glad we could be there for you on I-90 and amuse you so that you weren't tempted to rush and thereby drive into the ditch and have to spend the night hanging upside down from your seatbelts.

I've been trying to get the show back to Montana, and this time we seem to be headed for Missoula. I hope we go soon, maybe this winter.

Dear Mr. Keillor,
My daughter Carina and I saw the show on Saturday evening at Town Hall in NYC. We waited by the stage door and just before we abandoned hope to head for the subway, you came wandering out. You were extremely gracious and when you pronounced her name correctly (Carina...Carina...Carissima!) she was just thrilled. We had a fabulous time enjoying very much the eclectic group of guests, especially Renee Fleming who was quite funny. I am a native New Yorker of Puerto Rican and West Indian descent and love your tales of Lake Wobegon, Guy Noir, and all the rest. Somehow the midwestern sensibilities of the show resonate really well with my Big Apple values--go figure. Maybe it's the time spent at Advent Lutheran Church on the Upper West Side that does it.

My question: How do you decide whether the Catchup Board or Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pies are sponsors for a given show? Do they have mutually exclusive contracts?

Thanks for a great evening!
Paul & Carina Mondesire

Paul, you have a lovely daughter and I'm sorry you had to wait on the sidewalk so long. I went up to my dressing room and changed out of the tux and suddenly the room was full of beautiful women all jabbering and laughing and some time passed before I extricated myself and left the building. I lose track of time when I'm in the midst of women and sometimes forget my billfold too and lose my cellphone. As for the sponsors, I don't understand any of that myself, but there are no exclusive contracts, I'm sure. And rhubarb pie and ketchup go pretty well together, so long as they're not too close together.

Dear Garrison,
I was thrilled to be listening to your program on November 26, 2005, and hear you mention my grandfather! Stanley C. Johnston was Professor of Horticulture at MSU for many years, based in South Haven, MI., where he and my grandmother, Laura Johnston, lived on the South Haven Experimental Station. There he developed many strains of blueberries and peaches, including the Red Haven peach (as you mentioned), while my grandmother turned them into incredible pies and other goodies. My family and I are quite proud of him and it was great to hear his name on your show. Thanks!

Laura Johnston
NY, NY

Laura, you're exactly right to be proud. I would be, too, and my family would be proud of me, had I gone into horticulture. They were farmers and loved to garden and keep fruit trees. But I ate of the apple of comedy and had to leave the garden and go into radio. Not nearly as distinguished, and so we like to drop the names of distinguished people, as I did with your grandfather's.

Dear Garrison,
I first started listening to APHC nearly 30 years ago. I have listened over the years as the show has changed with the times. I am sending this simply as a gesture of appreciation. I don't need advice; I'm a Methodist. I don't need help with the direction of my life; the course is set. What I do need is to say that for years you have come into my home and have made me and my family laugh, sometimes cry, sing and even dance. I thank you for that. I only wish that we didn't grow old, that the world was a more peaceful place, and that I could get rhubarb pie locally. I have travelled to Lake Wobegon for it, but have gotten lost on the way.

Best regards,
Steve DeMarte
Raleigh, NC

Steve, glad that you don't need advice—I've given a lot of it lately and am almost out. And I hope that the direction of your life is such as to excite you about the future. The direction of my life is pretty much set too. I've tried to change direction several times and while it was educational and all, it was a big relief to get back to basics. It's lovely to think of your family listening to this show all these years and it's a thought that makes a man want to try harder.