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February 10, 2005 |

Post to the Host:
I'm a freshman at a private school in NYC and am on the wrestling team. This Wednesday we are wrestling a team from a Lutheran school. I was wondering whether you could give me any advise for the match, maybe some secrets you know about beating Lutherans. Thanks a lot.

Will Holland
New York City

Will, you're going to want to work up some real lunatic ferocity — foaming at the mouth, eyes flashing, nostrils flaring, and so forth — and come out at the opening whistle and strike hard and low — come hurtling at him at ankle height while letting out a shriek and drop him like a sack of potatoes while he is still going into his crouch — and throw yourself across his shoulders with one knee on his windpipe and pin him. Wham. Lutherans are not known for swiftness or ferocity — they take awhile to warm up their sense of righteousness to the point of anger. Sudden inexplicable violence is almost always a good tactic against them. After you humiliate this guy, though, he is going to shake your hand and congratulate you — and really mean it — and you're going to feel like a complete jerk. So be ready for waves of self-loathing afterward.

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