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Marketplace Punch Line

Time to unwrap the presidency

In this time of crisis we have not one, but two presidents on the case. One is addressing the issues, while the other is unveiling his portrait. Do we really have to wait till January 20th? Can we just have him already?

This is like when you were a kid and your parents bought you a bike. You knew it was a bike — It’s shaped like a bike. What else could it be? — But they wouldn’t let you open it until Christmas. I guess what I’m saying is … JUST GIVE US THE BIKE!”

— Jon Stewart, The Daily Show With Jon Stewart.

A Visit from the AntiClaus

Contributed by Catherine Adams, Loveland, Ohio….

‘Twas the week before Christmas, and all through the house (not in foreclosure)
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse (left for greener pasture).
The (old and much mended) stockings were hung by the woodstove (stimulus check) with care
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

And hubby in his flannels and I in my fleece (programmable thermostat)
Had just settled down for some quiet and peace,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the (new low-E, energy-efficient) windows I flew in a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
For a while I stood musing (and wasting the heat)
While the cold tweaked my earlobes and froze my poor feet.

But soon my wondering eyes did behold
A man dressed in pinstripes standing out in the cold.
“Santa?!” said I — no, it cannot be he,
For he looked like a fellow I’d seen on TV (not cable).

No twinkling eyes or nose like a cherry —
His sober demeanor made me quite wary.
He spotted me standing there aghast like a jerk
Stepped through my window and got straight to work.

He rubbed his hands briefly, he brushed off the snow,
Opened his briefcase and said “You owe some dough.
First bailouts for Wall Street and Fannie and Freddie.
A few bucks for car makers sure would be dandy.
Let’s prop up the bankers and get those boys lending,
And we’ll pay for it all through some deficit spending.”
He announced all of this in a voice that was thrilling
Except that his words were really quite chilling.

He sprang though the window (what’s wrong with the door?)
Leaving pieces of paper and a puddle on the floor.
My jammies felt clammy, my pockets felt pinched,
And I knew in a moment that I’d just been Grinched.

It’s been a wild year, and what can you do
When the global economy’s coming unglued?
Wall Street’s gone mad, my stocks are all tanking
And my retirement funds have gotten a Hank-ing.

I stared for a moment, and just shook my head,
Fastened the window and went back to bed.

Doubling down on investment bankers

From Stephanie Allard of Loveland, Colo… .

A man opened a bottle on the beach and a genie popped out. “I’ll grant you three wishes,” the genie said. “But I must warn you, everything you receive will be doubled for every investment banker in the world.”

“I don’t care,” the man said, “give me a red Ferrari.” Poof! A red Ferrari appeared. “Now,” the genie said, “every investment banker in the world has two red Ferraris.”

“I don’t care,” the man said, “give me $1 million.” Poof, $1 million was in a heap at his feet. The genie said, “Now every investment banker in the world has $2 million.”

“I don’t care,” the man replied. But then he thought a bit and said, “I’ve always wanted to donate one kidney.”

Is this Wall Street? No it's heaven.

A Wall Street executive gets to heaven and is met with a huge celebration and a parade leading to the throne of God. He is greeted personally and embraced warmly by the Creator.

A Pope later approaches the Lord and says, “I don’t want to sound like I am complaining, as I am very happy top be here, but when I arrived I received no such celebration, parade, etc., and I was the Pope. I just don’t understand why this Wall Street executive gets an even bigger mansion than myself, since I was the Pope.”

To which the Lord replies: “Well, Your Holiness, we have a lot of popes here in heaven, but this is the first Wall Street executive to make it in.”

America's job market, 2010

Day labor may be changing based on this video from Screaming Frog:

Citigroup's not ship-shape, so watch out for pirates!

This is a spoof story making the rounds. First seen on the Streetwise Blog of Toronto’s Globe and Mail.

Somali Pirates in Discussions to Acquire Citigroup

By Andreas Hippin

November 20 (Bloomberg) — The Somali pirates, renegade Somalis known for hijacking ships for ransom in the Gulf of Aden, are negotiating a purchase of Citigroup.

The pirates would buy Citigroup with new debt and their existing cash stockpiles, earned most recently from hijacking numerous ships, including most recently a $200 million Saudi Arabian oil tanker. The Somali pirates are offering up to $0.10 per share for Citigroup, pirate spokesman Sugule Ali said earlier today. The negotiations have entered the final stage, Ali said.

“You may not like our price, but we are not in the business of paying for things. Be happy we are in the mood to offer the shareholders anything,” said Ali.

The pirates will finance part of the purchase by selling new Pirate Ransom Backed Securities. The PRBS’s are backed by the cash flows from future ransom payments from hijackings in the Gulf of Aden. Moody’s and S&P have already issued their top investment grade ratings for the PRBS’s.

Head pirate, Ubu Kalid Shandu, said: “We need a bank so that we have a place to keep all of our ransom money. Thankfully, the dislocations in the capital markets has allowed us to purchase Citigroup at an attractive valuation and to take advantage of TARP capital to grow the business even faster.”

Shandu added, “We don’t call ourselves pirates. We are coastguards and this will just allow us to guard our coasts better.”

*CITI IN TALKS WITH SOMALI PIRATES FOR POSSIBLE CAPITAL INFUSION

*WILL REQUIRE ALL CITI EMPLOYEES TO WEAR PATCH OVER ONE EYE

*SOMALIAN PIRATES APPLY TO BECOME BANK TO ACCESS TARP

*PAULSON: TARP PIRATE EQUITY IS AN `INVESTMENT,’ WILL PAY OFF

*KASHKARI SAYS `SOMALI PIRATES ARE ‘FUNDAMENTALLY SOUND’ ’

*Moody’s upgrade Somali Pirates to AAA

*HUD SAYS SOMALI DHOW FORECLOSURE PROGRAM HAD `VERY LOW’ PARTICPATION

*SOMALI PIRATES IN DISCUSSION TO ACQUIRE CITIBANK

*FED OFFICIALS: AGGRESSIVE EASING WOULD CUT SOMALI PIRATE RISK

  • FED AGREED OCT. 29 TO TAKE `WHATEVER STEPS’ NEEDED FOR SOMALI PIRATES

Land of the rising pun

From a posting on the Telegraph of London website …

Following the problems in the financial sector in the US, uncertainty has now hit Japan ….

In the last seven days the Origami Bank has folded, the Sumo Bank has gone belly up and the Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Now, Mitsubishi Bank has stalled due to excessively high gearing.

Sony Bank has seen a big reduction in volume.

Yesterday, it was announced that the Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song.

Today, shares in the Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they suddenly nose-dived into the deck, ruining the carrier trade.

Samurai Bank is trying to soldier on following sharp cuts.

Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit and almost turned turtle, but they remain in the black and should survive.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank have got the chop

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

A few definitions making the rounds...

Value investing — The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E Ratio — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

Broker — What my broker has made me.

Standard & Poor — Your life in a nutshell.

Market Correction — The day after you buy stocks.

Cash flow — The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Yahoo — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

Windows — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

An English view of the financial crisis ...

In this “interview” with an investment banker, the comedy team of John Bird and John Fortune give perhaps the best explanation of the financial crisis that we’ve seen:

The Trader and St. Peter

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy dressed in a very sharp suit.

“Who are you,” St. Peter asks the man in the suit, “so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Joe Greenbucks, and until I passed away I was head of credit default swaps trading at the investment bank Dingman Robbers.”

St. Peter smiles and says, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The minister steps up next. “I am Joseph Snow,” he announces, “Pastor of St. Mary’s for the last 43 years.”

St. Peter smiles and nods and says, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a trader! A worshipper of Wall Street mammon! How does he get a silken robe and golden staff but I, a minister, only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?”

“Up here, we work by results,” St. Peter says. “In a single month he brought more people to their knees and praying to God than you managed in a lifetime of preaching.”

 ©2007 American Public Media