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2004 Happy Merry Lyric Contest
2004 Happy Merry Lyric Contest - Adult Submissions

Sung to the tune of Here We Come A-Wassailing
Here comes Auntie Agatha
With tins pack-ed real tight;
It's her famous fruitcake and
There goes our appetite!

Chorus
Relatives come to you,
And they'll leave you feeling blue;
When they ask you if you've put on some extra weight this year
And not leave until they finish off the beer.

Your Uncle Harold hogs the couch
And tells about his strife.
Then tell the little kids
About the graphic facts of life.

Chorus
Your house is like a zoo,
And the tree your dog will chew;
And your food is never like what Mom use to make
She'll remind you by bringing extra cake.

Your sister's kids are playing with the chimney once again.
Luckily on speed dial you've got Fire Marshall Ken.

Chorus
Seat the table for ten,
Let feed-ing fren-zy begin!
And you're trying not to breathe while you quickly chew and chew
'Cause Aunt Gladys has taken off her shoes!

Your kids got those vi-deo games that they were begging for;
Now the rest of the year it's their parents they'll ignore.

Chorus
Grandpa Fred lets out his pants,
And your mother-in-law rants!
Why did you agree to host the relatives this year;
When it only ends up bringing you to tears?


Ben Tri of Burnsville, MN

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Sung to the tune of Up on the Housetop
Out on the ice shelf
of Mille Lacs
I sit in my brand new
red snow pants
On a bucket
near a hole
Gosh darnit,
there goes my pole!

Chorus
Pole, pole, pole!
Where did you go?
Pole, pole, pole!
Where did you go when I got the tug so
Quick, quick, quick
Some-thing dragged down my only stick.

My neighbor's house
is nice and warm.
I might want shelter
from the storm.
Instead I'll sit here
and seal my fate.
'Cause I want a minnow
on my plate!

Chorus
Ice, ice, ice!
Why is this nice?
Ice, ice, ice!
Why is it nice to sit on a slab so
Thick, thick, thick
To catch a fish 'fore I get sick?

I hear a crack and turn around,
Right before I nearly drown
Jim drove his truck onto the ice
On the lake bottom his Ford looks nice!

Chorus
Truck, truck, truck!
You're out of luck!
Truck, truck, truck
It's kind of stuck, down on the lakebed
Floor, floor, floor
I just hope Jim is well-insured!


Ben Tri of Burnsville, MN

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Sung to the tune of Here We Come A-Wassailing
Here We Come A-Conquering

Here we come a-conquering
Among the mudjadeen;
We're clueless of your culture
So try not to be mean!

Chorus
De-moc-ra-cy come to you,
And to you a ballot too;
Allah bless you and send you
a gov-ern-ment next Year
Allah send you a government next Year.

We're not an occu-pation
That stays forevermore;
But we're America's children,
Who've fought you once before.

Chorus
De-moc-ra-cy come to you,
And to you a ballot too;
Allah bless you and send you
a gov-ern-ment next Year
Allah send you a government next Year.

Good cleric and good Muslim,
Please duck our friendly fire,
Pray think of the poor children
and help us in this trial.

Chorus
De-moc-ra-cy come to you,
And to you a ballot too;
Allah bless you and send you
a gov-ern-ment next Year
Allah send you a government next Year.

God bless the Shiite in his house
Likewise the Sunni too!
And all the little children
that 'round the table go

Chorus
De-moc-ra-cy come to you,
And to you a ballot too;
Allah bless you and send you
a gov-ern-ment next Year
Allah send you a government next Year.

Ohhhh, Happy New Year!!



Brian Hanna of Minneapolis, MN

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Sung to the tune of Up on the Housetop
All little children drop their jaws
At the giant Santa Claus
He stands in the driveway
12 feet high
Waving at all of the
Passersby

Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh watch it glow
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Melting the snow
Turn on the light switch
Tick, tick, tick
Spinning the meter
Just for kicks

Shepherds surrounding
Santa's sleigh
Need a map
To find their way
Through the tin soldiers
And candy canes
Flashing so brightly
They're seen by planes.

Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh watch it glow
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Melting the snow
Turn on the light switch
Tick, tick, tick
Spinning the meter
Just for kicks

Next to the manger
A Sponge Bob stands
Wishing peace for
All the land
He's joined by Snoopy
And Mickey too
Baby Jesus and
Scooby Doo.

Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh watch it glow
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Melting the snow
Turn on the light switch
Tick, tick, tick
Spinning the meter
Just for kicks


Lynn Joachim of Scandia, MN

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Sung to the tune of Here We Come A-Wassailing
Here I come a-wishing
as grandma's house draws near,
that there won't be on the table
what we had last year:

Chorus:
So I close my eyes and pray,
that on this Christmas day,
there'll be ham, corn and apple pie
and pudding by the bowl,
but please no tuna casserole!

Memories come a-haunting
of a flowered baking dish,
and mother's stern reproach
as I winced and grumbled "Ish!":

Chorus:
I don't mind a big, wet kiss,
from aging aunts so full of bliss,
and gifts of socks and underwear
so boring and so droll,
but please no tuna casserole!

The journey is a-ending
and I soon will learn my fate,
my stomach won't stop churning
as we pass through the gate:

Chorus:
Be brave, have no fear,
it's a time of fun and cheer,
rejoyce the family's still all close,
from young to very old,
but please no tuna casserole!

The house is a-brimming
with warmth and smells so sweet,
I peek into the kitchen
to see what we will eat:

Chorus:
Then I slip away and hide
behind my burly Uncle Clyde,
and try to sneak some chips and nuts
and little tootsie rolls,
but please no tuna casserole!

Grandma stands a-cooking,
her face is tired and worn,
to make this special meal
she's worked since early morn:

Chorus:
Suddenly I realise,
as I gaze into her eyes,
what grandma really means to me,
she gives her heart and soul,
so I'll gradly eat some tuna casserole!



Louis DiSanto of St. Paul, MN

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Sung to the tune of Up on the Housetop
Inside the hot tub reindeer pause
In jumps good o'l Santa Claus
Into the water with lots of joy
Oh for the simple life.
like a little boy.

Ho, ho, ho!
Who wouldn't go?
Ho, ho, ho!
Who wouldn't go, inside the hot tub
Splash, splash, splash
Laughing at winter with
O'l Saint Nick

Then came the bubbles
From little Nick
Oh, the giggling
that was heard.
Faces were jolly
From laughs and cries
Mr's Claus just paused
and rolled her eyes.

Ho, ho, ho!
Who wouldn't go?
Ho, ho, ho!
Who wouldn't go, inside the hot tub
Splash, splash, splash
Laughing at winter with
O'l Saint Nick

We jump into the snow
lickity split
Snow angels made
We rush back to sit
Look at the snow
it really packs
now a snowball
and lands with a smack!

Ho, ho, ho!
Who wouldn't go?
Ho, ho, ho!
Who wouldn't go, inside the hot tub
Splash, splash, splash
Laughing at winter with
O'l Saint Nick






Steven Olson of Decorah, IA

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Sung to the tune of Here We Come A-Wassailing
There I was going running
Careful and ginger jogging
Along the trails so white
What is it I'm doing
Out in the cold and night

Snow and slush in your shoe
And yet you're sweating too
What else's there healthy to do
Sans the frozen tears
Good and healthy but sans the frozen tears


If you see some laggards
Who can not jog no more
Spread out some sidewalk salt
For that fall'in neighbor

Snow and slush in your shoe
And yet you're sweating too
What else's there healthy to do
Sans the frozen tears
Good and healthy but sans the frozen tears

Look how and brightly dress
That hopping puddle plyer
Pity them twisted ankle
Ouch of steam, crystal crier


Snow and slush in your shoe
And yet you're sweating too
What else's there healthy to do
Sans the frozen tears
Good and healthy but sans the frozen tears


This mess makes faster us than plows
With teeth too cold to chew
Healthy little idiots
With exposed parts all blue

Snow and slush in your shoe
And yet you're sweating too
What else's there healthy to do
Sans the frozen tears
Good and healthy but sans the frozen tears

Ooohh but sans the frozen tears

Paul Piculell of Osseo, MN

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Sung to the tune of Here We Come A-Wassailing
Harry Cohn is waffling
about what gift to buy
Hanukkah is coming
and you can hear him cry

"Oy, oy, oy, what to do?
Little Herbie gets one too
No more baseballs or basketballs
He has enough of those
Guess I'll get him some fancy new school clothes."

Harry drove down to the mall
and much to his chagrin
He couldn't find a parking space
and hardly could get in

"Oy, oy, oy, what to do?
Won't you people let me through?
I need books, toys, and lingerie
and all that's in between
and I don't want to cause a great big scene."

Once inside the mall he saw
a big display of cheese
and tons of big salamis
that came up to his knees

"Oy, oy, oy, here I go,
I'll get some for Cousin Moe
and some perfume for Esther
nu, she really likes the stuff
Pretty soon I'll have gotten enough.

Harry shopped with lightning speed
and when he filled his list
his hand was sore from writing checks (pause)
Carpal tunnel of the wrist!

"Oy, oy, oy, yes I'm done
I'll go home and have some fun
Light the sandles and wish my family a lot of cheer
And I can't wait to do this all next year!"

Martin Ruben of Minneapolis, MN

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Sung to the tune of Here We Come A-Wassailing
Here I go a shopping seeking a Christmas gift,
It is not easy to find something nice with a degree of thrift.

It is true you have it all, and shopping for you is not a ball so unfortunately it will only be a card, be a card, and for you it will only be a card.

Here I am a complaining about gift selection,
I don't see how I can add to your trinket collection.

What is a guy supposed to do? To figure out a gift for you? For crying out loud would you just compile a list? Oh please just write a list.

Here I am a scratching upon my furrowed brow,
I can't come up with anything you need, we should all have that problem and how!

It is true you have it all, and shopping for you is not a ball so perhaps I will donate money to NPR (on your behalf), so perhaps I will donate to NPR.



Lawrence Simon of Minneapolis, MN

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Sung to the tune of Up on the Housetop
Up the displays go one by one,
Right when Halloween is done.
Lures all the shoppers into stores,
Watch as your total spending soars.

CHORUS
Buy! Buy! Buy!
Spend outta sight!
Buy! Buy! Buy!
Wrap all night.
Turn on the light bulbs,
Blink, Blink, Blink,
Prepping for Christmas drives me to drink.

With all the rushing of the crowd,
Makes the carols seem too loud.
Too many tasks give me overload,
I feel ready to explode.

CHORUS
Buy! Buy! Buy!
Spend outta sight!
Buy! Buy! Buy!
Wrap all night.
Turn on the light bulbs,
Blink, Blink, Blink,
Prepping for Christmas drives me to drink.

Christmas is such a spending spree,
Sending me to bankruptcy.
When will I learn to economize,
Trim my list right down to size?

CHORUS
Buy! Buy! Buy!
Spend outta sight!
Buy! Buy! Buy!
Wrap all night.
Turn on the light bulbs,
Blink, Blink, Blink,
Prepping for Christmas drives me to drink.

I long for days when life was slow,
Cutting out the cookie dough.
Carolers and pageants, all for show,
Norman Rockwell, where'd you go?

CHORUS
Buy! Buy! Buy!
Spend outta sight!
Buy! Buy! Buy!
Wrap all night.
Turn on the light bulbs,
Blink, Blink, Blink,
Prepping for Christmas drives me to drink.





Lorie Ludwig of St. Anthony, MN

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